...chronicles of an ex...

ex n
- the letter x. (That one variable you use in algebra that people always try to figure out :-P)
- to delete or cross out.
- a former spouse or partner

I am an ex. Most of the present partners of my exes either tries so hard to befriend me (or stalk if I may dare to say so) or totally tries to erase me from their boyfriend's life. I usually dont understand why an ex is seen as a threat to the present. After all, the only role that I'm going to be in their boyfriend's life is a memory. And we have shared a meaningful piece of our lives together during our time, which I don't think you will be able to set aside just like that. So it wouldn't hurt if exes still stay as friends.. right?


I never understood the feeling until I was in that very situation. I love someone.. He has an ex (which he stays very good friends with)... and for the first time in my entire life, I felt weird about it. My belief about "staying friends with an ex" was greatly compromised and shaken. I have never felt so jealous in my life. A simple (harmless and friendly) conversation that would not normally mean anything to me, suddenly becomes a big deal. Memories of them together stings like hell (photos, SMS, letters, songs, and the likes). I've been so paranoid, so praning about everything that I oftentimes lose my sense of reason. Who would have thought that a year ago, I was furious with my ex-boyps current monster gf (sorry, evil alert) when she didnt want me to stay friends nor have any communication with my ex. I mean, what the eff!? I am a part of his life, and nothing, not even you, can change that!

I am a proud person. And sometimes, I dont want to contradict the things that I have always believed in. I have tried different reasons to convince myself that there's nothing to feel bad about. She's an ex, and she will always ought to be that way.. Their book has ended and it'll be forever close..."

...and no... it didnt work... No matter how persuasive I perceive myself to be. Talk about a major oxymoron.

I am having trust issues. Protective? I would say yes. Over doing it? Probably. Who knows what an old flame can do, agree? But when you're in a whirlwind romance, you wouldn't want to let go of that one person whom you won't need to have pretentions with. I was just plain, boisterous, loud and crazy whenever I am with him. With that overwhelming feeling, you just want to let the whole world know he has you! Wala nalang eepal...

I know I owe it greatly to myself to find my own security.. to get over whatever issues I have with the ex... but it still takes two to tango. I know it is not possible to do it on my own. Two things can happen if I do that. Either I give up and move on or be numb, and totally suppress whatever negative feeling I have and develop it into hatred... neither of the two seems like a good option for me to go for. Because when that happens, no matter how much he means to me, one can only take on so much... and when that time comes, you'll realize that love isn't always enough...

Sonnet XVII

I do not love you as if you were salt-rose, or topaz,
or the arrow of carnations the fire shoots off.
I love you as certain dark things are to be loved,
in secret, between the shadow and the soul.

I love you as the plant that never blooms
but carries in itself the light of hidden flowers;
thanks to your love a certain solid fragrance,
risen from the earth, lives darkly in my body.

I love you without knowing how, or when, or from where.
I love you straightforwardly, without complexities or pride;
so I love you because I know no other way

than this: where I does not exist, nor you,
so close that your hand on my chest is my hand,
so close that your eyes close as I fall asleep.

-- Pablo Neruda --

haay.. i so love this poem... one of the most beautiful ive heard... a perfect depiction that love knows no bounds... love is unconditional... that somehow, somewhere, it does exist...

...just my two cents...


11:45 PM

She has been twisting and turning on her bed for more than an hour, trying to get some sleep. "Come on! You have to sleep, you still have work tomorrow!", she whispers to herself. She tried to do the old tricks... count sheeps, read a book, listen on her radio, but none seemed to work. She closed her eyes.

She gazed at the clock for the nth time... it's 12:15 in the morning already. Her thoughts still wandering... She had a long day, went home drunk, but still unable to find peace in her own bedroom.

She turned on her iPod and pressed play.

" good... when it's good i wanna spend my whole life loving you..."

"Great! Just what I need..." she mumbles. She ran out of things to do... to keep her mind preoccupied. She started asking questions to herself. Questions she herself couldnt seem to answer.

"Does he love me?", yes he does, she responded.
"Will he stay?", a big chance that he would, she answered.
"But why are we like this?", and she couldnt seem to reason out anymore...

She's very easy to fall in love with, and the qualities that she has makes her very hard to forget. She never had to exert any effort with a guy... And once the spark dies down, she's the one who call the shots. She was their 'heartbreaker'.

She never cried over a guy who isnt her boyfriend. She never sacrificed... She was the dominant one... she was in control... until now...

She is officially in love.. with her best friend... She learned to love him for everything that he is...

"He's not your type! Not even close to one..."

..and she loves him for everything he's not...

See, it isnt complicated at all... They're both single. They spend most of their time together doing stuff they both love to do. They're both adventuresome by nature... They both know how to have fun... They both know they're special to each other... They fight, they make up... they compromise... they are buddies... they are partners in crime...

...but they are not a couple...

...and she doesnt get it herself...

Once again, their friends' constant nagging about them becoming an official couple started to ring like a bell. She cannot blame them, after all, they do act like a couple...


"God, why does it have to be this way? I asked for numbers of signs... none of them seem to give a positive feedback... I dont know if that's a 'no' or I have been asking the wrong questions... please..."

She diverted her attention to her iPod...

"i'd just walk out that door... i couldn't take it anymore... i wouldnt put up with what you put me through... if i didnt love you..."

...and then she closed her eyes.

...My Shining Star...

The way you look at me

The way you touch me

The fire are in your eyes

(I swear) Makes me shivers inside

There's nothing I can do about it

'Cause nothing seems so truth

When I'm beside you

And my dream Of all thing

is all in my hand

Naked, perfect, so beautiful

You turn me up and down

I was spinning round and round

You never get enough, baby you don't

You're a shining star

The way you look at me

The way you touch me

The fire are in your eyes (I swear)

Makes me shivers inside

There's nothing I can do about it

You're my soulmate, my summer and my faith

You fill me up with love

Your kisses are better than wine

There's nothing I want more than you, boy

...of mornings and coffee...

i wasnt fond of drinking coffee until a three years ago... i can still remember it started with just a tall frappuccino... then a macchiato... then an affogatto... then i realized i am already a caffeine addict... visiting my favorite starbucks almost everyday (which earned me a lot of starbucks planners :P) but come to think of it... if you are the practical one, you will say, their coffees and pastries are highly overrated... more often than not, i will have to agree with you... so what is it that i love the most about being in starbucks?

it has been my routine to pass by Starbucks Cybergate2 (Starbs for the kaladkarins :))almost everyday (unless i'm already really really broke :P ) to give my body a caffeine kick... And this AM isnt any different from those days... When i got down at Cybergate, i was thinking that i had enough expenses for the week, and will have to save (haha! okay.. :P) but my feet brought me back (or is it my longing to get inside the cafe?) to the path where Starbs is located.

okay, my "indulgence" got the best of me. when I got inside, the familiar faces of the baristas (and even the guard) gave their best smiles, greeting me "Good Morning Jewel! Puyat ka no? " then that's when i realized that what made starbucks' coffee great is the people that is in it. ive seen these people eversince starbs opened in the area and no matter which shift they are in, they are in their best, not forgetting to greet you a pleasant day. it's the politeness, the ambiance, the friendship that is built in the place each day.

other than the baristas, starbs has been one of our "tambayan", our meeting point. It's four walls and smoking area were witnesses of all the laughters, the tears, the review sessions, the "merienda breaks", the love stories, the heartbreaks and heartaches, and all those sugar and spice stuff. If starbs were a diary, it would have the story of our friendship.

i am not surprised why starbs is a "great place to linger in" (ahhaha! sounds family??). the "moments" (as we fondly call it) we share together with friends are more than what we pay for. like what Mama Mia said, it's not for the coffee, its for the friends you meet up with. and no matter how "overrated" starbucks may become, no matter how impractical some people may think it is, it will never match the joy that I feel whenever I am in a place that makes me feel at home... :)

...kapag ginulo ka ng pag-ibig...

Marami kang iniisip, naiisip at gustong isipin. Pero mas gusto mong malaman ng lahat ng tao ang lahat ng kabangagan mo. Wala lang. Magpapansin. Umasang may mag-rereply sa senseless thoughts mo. Mag-advice. Magsabing, "Oo.. naiintindihan kita.." Pero ayos lang sayo kahit di nila basahin to. Bakit pa? Sino ka ba? Nakakadiri. Ayaw mong tuksuhin ka nilang, "yuck!! Ang mushy mo pala!!"

Sa lahat ng kaibigan mong humihingi ng advice tungkol sa pag-ibig, ang sinasabi mo lang palagi, "Tange, kalimutan mo na lang yang nararamdaman mo. Korni mo e. Ang OA mo pa. Guguluhin lang nyan buhay mo." Ang sasabihin pa nila sayo, "Talaga? Buti ka pa, wala kang lovelife. Di ka stressed. Di ka kinakabahan palagi --" "At di ako mukhang tanga."

May na-offend ka na naman. Pero pakialam mo ba sa kanila? Totoo naman a.

Tapos bigla mong mare-realize, may problema ka na rin pala. Hayop talaga. Gusto mong sumigaw. Bakit may nanggugulo na rin ng buhay mo ngayon? Ang dami mong crush, grabe. Yung isang classmate mo sa Math17, isa sa Hum1, dalawa sa Geog1, dalawa sa PE2, isa sa Math100 at isa sa Chem16. Si Mike Bravo ng Maroons, si George Chia ng Blue Eagles, si Kogore ng Shohoku. Si Dao Ming Shi at si Mei Zhuo ng F4. Si Enrique Iglesias. Si Legolas. Si Ron Weasley.

Sixteen. Imagine?

Pero di naman nila ginugulo ang buhay mo.

Ayos lang di ba? Kaso may isang taong di mo maintindihan kung bakit kahit anong gawin mo, talagang ginugulo pa rin niya yung buhay mo. Para siyang mangkukulam. Kahit saan nakikita mo siya. Inalis mo na noon yung pangalan nya sa phone mo. Kaso sinulat mo pa rin yung number nya sa diary mo. Engot ka talaga. Tapos nilagay mo ulit sa cell mo. Tapos inalis mo ulit kase nainis ka. Naihagis mo pa nga sa kama mo yung phone mo e. Tapos naisip mo wala rin namang epekto kung nasa cell mo siya o wala. kaya nilagay mo na lang ulit.

Tapos binura mo na talaga ngayon. Panahon na para kalimutan na talaga sya --- naiisip mo.

Okay na? Hinde. Mas malala.

Na-memorize mo na kase yung number nya. Tsk tsk tsk. Naaawa ka na talaga sa sarili mo.

Naiinis ka pa kapag sinasabi sayo ng mga kaibigan mo, "Nakita ko sha sa A.S. kanina." Asar na asar ka. Sabay sigaw with matching facial_____expression, "PAKEELAM KO?"

At magtatanong sila ng isang tanong na matagal mo nang hinihintay na sagutin sa harap ng maraming tao: à "Baket? Ayaw mo na ba sa kanya?" Tatahimik ka muna. Parang si Lei sa harap ni Tang Chin. Magbubuntung-hininga. Tititigan silang lahat na naghihintay ng sagot mo.

Biglang magkakaron ng split personality disorder, ngingiti at magsasalita: "Sino yon?" Nagandahan ka sa ginawa mo. Effective. Wow, para talagang di na nya kilala. Biglang makikita mo siya. Ayun. Mabubuwisit ka talaga. Maaalala mo yung mga panahong pinagmukha ka niyang tanga. Yung panahong kailangan mo siya. Yung panahong iniwan ka nya sa ere. Yung panahong tinalikuran ka nya.

Masisira ang araw mo. Wala ka sa mood makipagtawanan. Sisigawan mo ang kaibigan mong natapakan ang white rubber shoes mo. Gugustuhin mong balatan ng buhay ang lahat ng taong nagtatanong kung bakit ka wala sa mood. Hihilingin mong mong makapag-teleport ka papuntang Egypt.

At bigla mong maririnig ang isa sa mga kaibigan mo, "Ganyan talaga pag in-love." May background pang mga palihim na tawa. At sabay-sabay silang kakanta ng --- Why do birds suddenly appear.

Di ka makakapagsalita. Mararamdaman mong umiinit yung tenga mo, yung leeg mo, yung mukha mo. Bigla mong maiisip ang pinakaepektibong palusot, ngingiti at magsasalita, "Sino yon?"

Ayos na sana, kaso di mo naisip na mali yung statement mo. At bago mo pa mabawi ang sinabi mo, sasabihin na nila, "Baket? Me sinabe bang pangalan??? Yak!! Halata!!!"

Feeling mo masusunog na sa init yung mukha mo. Kahit anong pilit mong kalimutan siya, mabilis talagang kumalat ang balita. Minsan naglalakad ka. May masasalubong kang dalawang taong di mo kilala. sila. Titingnan ka, mula ulo hanggang paa, at maririnig mo ang isang bulong: "Yan ba?"

Grabe, ang ganda na naman ng araw mo.

Di mo na lang papansinin. Kahit nakikilala mo na sila. Isang araw naman nakikipagkwentuhan ka sa isang ka-block mo. Gwapo. Niloloko mo pa nga tong taong to na siya na ang pinakagwapong taong nakita mo sa personal. Hehe, tawa nya. Ang saya-saya mo, biglang may dadaan sa likod mo na dalawang taong di sinasadyang naging pamilyar na sayo. Lumingon ka, at pagtalikod mo, nagsalita ang isa: "Pinagpapantasyahan e no." Sasagot ang isa pa, "Oo nga."

Oh hindee!!! Anong nagawa mo??

Titigil ka na sa pakikipagkwentuhan. Aalis ka na lang na punung-puno ng sama ng loob.

Naaasar ka sa lahat ng tao. Bakit kailangang pakialaman ang buhay ng taong ni hindi nila kilala? Bakit kailangang pagtawanan at ipagkalat ang mga bagay na di na dapat pinag-uusapan? Marami pang version yung mga naririnig mo sa kanila. Minsan ganito, "Siya yun." O kaya, "Ows? Yan yon?" Hayop. Marathon eavesdropper ka kase.

Kahit ikaw mandidiri sa iniisip mo.

At matapos mong malaman ang lahat ng bagay tungkol sa kanya, kahit yung nilihim nya at nalaman mo lang nung tapos na, naisip mong kalimutan na lang talaga siya.

One time nakipag-chat ka.

musta luvlyf?
meron b?
.wlang kwenta
ows? bkt? :(
basta. wla syang kwenta.
mahal mo?
mhl mo p rn un.
honestly, mhl m p rn ba?
wlang kwenta pero mhl mo.
tsk tsk

Matitigilan ka. Tititigan mo yung monitor ng matagal.

am i ryt?

Ita-type mo yung "gtg" nang di oras. May kasama pang "nys miting u" para di halatang nabwisit ka sa sinabi nya. Alt-F4. Disconnect. Shut down.

Asar na asar ka na talaga sa sarili mo. Di mo na gustong mag-teleport. Gusto mo na lang talagang ma-dissolve sa hangin.

Ikaw na ngayon ang nangangailangan ng advice. Pero walang kwenta lahat ng sinabi nila. "Kalimutan mo na siya." PAANO? "Wag ka kase magpapaapekto. Wag mo isipin yung sinasabi ng ibang tao." HA?!? ANG LABO!!! "Marami pang iba jan." EH SIYA NGA LANG EH!!! Aasarin ka pa kapag sinabi nilang, "Bakit di na lang si _____? Yihee. Okay naman siya ah." Ngek, ano yun, ganon lang kadali?

Nakatitig ka ngayon sa monitor. Pabalik-balik ka lang sa, sa CRS, at sa email composer mo. Nakakainis. Di mo na alam kung ano pa ang sasabihin mo.

Tama, bwisit sa buhay yang feelings na yan. May magtatanong pa, "Bakit mo ba yon mahal?" Wow pare, wala kang maisagot. Buti pa sa Math pwede kang manghula ng formula, pwede mong paglaruan ang solution mo. May partial points ka pa. Eh sa tanong na yon? Tsk tsk. Malabong mangyari yon.

At kung BS Love and Affection ang course mo, 'tol. mas mabuti pang mag-shift ka na lang sa BA Emotionlessness and Insensitivity habang maaga. Malamang magkita pa kayo don.

Paulit-ulit mong sinasabi sa sarili mo na wala ka na talagang pakialam sa kanya. Pero bakit pag nakikita mo siya, natitigilan ka pa rin? Minsan, kaibigan mo na yung nagsasabi sayo, "O, kala ko ba wala na?"

Tatawa ka na lang. Lalakasan mo para di mahalata yung teary eyes mo. Di ka na naman makakapagsalita. Litong-lito ka na. Di mo alam kung bakit nga ba ganon. Kung bakit ka apektado. Kung bakit nagbabago ang lahat pag nandiyan siya. Kung bakit gustung-gusto mo siyang bigyan ng nerve cells para maramdaman niya ang lahat. Lahat.

Ngayon, ipapadala mo to sa mga kaibigan mo, sa mga ka-block mo, at sa iba pang taong wala talagang pakialam sayo. Sa kanilang lahat, di mo alam kung sino talaga ang may tiyagang tapusin ang ganito kahabang senseless na mensahe. Di mo rin alam kung sino talaga ang mag-iisip para sayo. Di mo alam kung sino ang maaapektuhan.

Somehow, gusto mong ma-disconnect ka na lang bigla. Maubusan ng internet credits. Sabugan ng pc. Mag-brown-out. Biglang mag-collapse. Umiyak. Malunod. Maging ipis. Uminom ng Skele-Gro. Mabagsakan ng asteroid. Maglahong parang bula.

Kase, tama yung sinabi ng naka-chat mo. Sinasabi mong walang kwenta, pero mahal mo. . . . . . . .

.... Sobra.

taken from PEYUPS

Nice Guys Finish Last

It’s amazing that assholes can get girls. Actually, now that I think of it, it’s not that amazing. They are assholes at heart, but to meet girls they lavish their undying love. IT’S A CHARADE. They act nice, friendly, and they listen until they get into what they’re after. Their prey thinks they are in love with them, however when they realize what assholes their predators really are, they pretend like the asshole is really nice inside. The girl tries to change the asshole into a nice guy, but assholes will always be assholes. She gets upset and goes to the nice guy to complain about the asshole. But she claims to love the asshole now this is where the theory begins. She doesn’t want to look like she is easy so she wont dump the asshole right away, instead she will stay with the asshole. Girls are idiots. They don’t realize that the nice guy has been there all along. He never had to pretend to be a good guy to get girls because he is naturally like that. However, girls don’t see it for some reason or another. They look at the nice guy as a friend, a trusted companion to whom they can tell their sad story to about their asshole boyfriend. But the nice guy isn’t THAT naïve. He was trying to score with the girl he listens to all along. The problem is that since he is a nice guy he keeps listening. Since girls get attached to things that pay attention to them, they think of the nice guy as a friend. A FRIEND. They don’t say, Oh he’s hot or I want to have his children about the nice guy, they just want the emotional support. When they get the emotional support from the nice guy, they don’t need it from the asshole. The nice guy gets the worst end of the stick while the asshole gets all the action. I am starting to wonder if being a nice guy is really the route to take to get action I have been down this path for all of my post-pubescent life and it has gotten me NOWHERE at least not in the women department. Perhaps another reason why girls fall for the asshole is because assholes ignore the girl they are with. The women wonder, Why isn’t he paying attention to me? so they explore why. They poke and prod and get closer to the asshole. They start to get easier with each attempt to get closer. The asshole finally says, I’ve let this beauty dangle long enough, time to boat this bass. It is then he puts on his charade and the girl feels like she has won him even thought all she has won is an asshole. Once you have gone down the path as a nice guy or a listener you can’t turn back. The girl will always go after the assholes because there are always nice guys there to listen. Once you realize that you are a listener you cant do anything about it just pack up and close shop. There is no way you will get into her pants ever. There is and never will be a situation where the nice guy will get the girl he has a crush on. It just doesn’t work like that. The girl wont come to her senses and realize what an asshole her boyfriend is like in the movies instead she will just go after another asshole, and unless you stop being a nice guy, she will never go after you. Women complain that there are no nice guys in the world. Right. They are obviously not looking hard enough because there are nice guys EVERYWHERE!!!! Girls aren’t looking for nice guys they say they are but they’re not. They are looking for the perfect asshole, but there is NO SUCH THING as the perfect asshole. All in all, the nice guy gets the shaft. To all the girls out there with boyfriends that don’t treat you with respect, that don’t listen to you, and that don’t care about you I say this; look next to you. The guy that has been standing next to you the whole time is the guy you have been looking for. He is what you want your asshole to be like. He knows more about you than you know about yourself because he has listened to it all...

taken from: PEYUPS back!

wahahaha... i was only a 2-day old blogger when i got an email from the blogger team... my blog site was identified as a SPAM BLOG (for definition, kindly just look it up through a search engine :P )... anywho... i appreciate the action... but it prevented me from doing entries for the past 2 days... **sigh**

but its good to be back... :)


it's may 01 today here... it's labor day and it's even the fiesta in our barrio (small town rural girl :P)... and guess where i am spending the rest of my day? yep.. infront of the pc... in the office... haha! dont it just get better everyday? hahah! :) i asked achie if i could switch schedule with her so i can leave early... i'll be meeting up with buddy queenie and bestie jay later to check out some rashguards for this weekend's daytrip dive :)

soo... i'll have a different entry for what i was feeling the past couple of days... tata...
"...everything's so blurry and everyone's so fake... and everybody's empty and everything is so messed up..."